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Human
Earth Animal Liberation (HEAL)
Ste C100-422 Seattle, WA
98166-1984 (206)244-1894
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HEAL
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THE HEAL AGENDA |
Prison Reform | Human Liberation | Earth Liberation | Animal Liberation | |||||||||||||||||||||
HEAL’S PARENTING GUIDE
Your
children are not your children.
visit,
not even in your dreams.
HEAL'S INTENTION It is our desire to help families build strong family bonds by learning to accept, love, and communicate with each other. Following are some helpful tools, tips, and resources for you to use to develop your family into a happy and healthy home-centered miniature community. Good luck!
HEAL'S QUICK TIPS
1. Work
Whether you work at home or outside the home, it is imperative that you make at least 15-30 minutes between work and home your own. You can do this by stopping at your favorite coffee house for a cup of tea, walking through the park, or any number of relaxing activities such as reading a new book or taking a meditative excursion to your church. This will allow you to reset your focus and prepare for all of the demands and challenges facing you when you return home. And, will help you truly be present for your family instead of "checking out" in front of the television until bedtime.
2. Home
It is important that everyone in the family respects the demands and challenges each member faces. A great way to do this is to set up a chore/duty/schedule chart that includes ALL family members. Here's an example:
Hopefully the above illustration will show you that your children are as busy as you are and as stressed out. It's important to work together and respect each other's efforts. If you add-in additional employment or activities, you can see how easily overwhelm can become a serious problem in your home and in our society. It's up to us as individuals and families to put our well-being and that of our families first. We must prioritize and cut out the over-stimulating world when and where we can to insure we are healthy and we are raising healthy, happy, and responsible children.
HEAL'S SPECIAL CHALLENGE SOLUTIONS
Many of you have been convinced by big pharmaceutical companies that there is something seriously wrong with normal teenagers. HEAL believes that psychosis and neurosis are largely a matter of modern myth. Most of us, children and adults alike, are experiencing overwhelm from over-stimulation and improper priorities. Most, if not all, modern "mental health" problems can be solved by all family members setting appropriate priorities, respecting one another, communicating honestly, and allowing love, not fear, to guide decision making for us individually and as families/communities. If you are unfamiliar with what constitutes child abuse and your child is acting out because they are a victim of abuse (psychological, emotional, physical, or sexual), please read the following from youtube.
In addition, poor diet contributes greatly to most "behavioral" disorders in adults and children. Simply put, lay off refined sugar, allergens, high-fructose corn syrup, and caffeine and you may not only change your energy and stress levels, but, your family's as well.
See below for specific "disorders" and helpful tips in dealing with these so-called "problems".
Search for a problem using your internet browser's menu-bar by clicking "edit", "find (on this page...)" and entering in the keyword/phrase or, Simply Scroll Down:
ADD/ADHD: Please visit: www.ablechild.org for the truth about ADD/ADHD. Also see:
http://www.adhdfraud.org/. Adderall, note that it is a
psychostimulant, comprised of amphetamine salts and its addictive
properties. Read the mechanism of action section at
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adderall Anger: Anger is often not what it seems. Anger is usually what we label stress-caused outbursts or symptoms of overwhelm and over-stimulation. When we, as parents, are overwhelmed ourselves, we tend to react to the angry or stress-induced outbursts of our children with our own. It's helpful to take a moment to remember we love our children and to be compassionate and empathetic with their stress and frustration. Here's an example of conscious action and personal choices during an "anger" episode:
Say,
you, as the parent had a late start to your day. You were
speeding to get to work on time and were pulled over and given a
ticket. The time it took to get the ticket made you late to
work. So, you skipped your morning coffee. As you turn
down the street to your office you hit a pothole and your car's
alignment feels damaged by it. So, that's another thing on your
list of things to do. You arrive at your office and your boss
tells you that important company officials are coming this afternoon
and that you are expected to take them to lunch. So, now you are
really stressed. You grab a cup of coffee and one of your
co-workers bumps into you by accident. The coffee spills on your
shirt and pants. Now, you wish you could go home and change,
but, there is not time so, you go to the restroom and do your best to
clean up. Lunch time comes and you are in charge of driving the
officials to lunch out. You think of the traffic ticket you left
on the passenger seat and panic. Then, you remember that you
have an alignment issue and that your car is now pulling to the left.
So, you try to suggest using the boss's car. No dice, it is off
being detailed. So, you walk to your car, open the door for the
official to ride up front and quickly grab the ticket hoping no one
sees it. You made it. It's in your pocket and no one saw a
thing. So, lunch goes on without a problem. But, on the
return to the office you hit another pothole and the official to your
left spills his latte' in his lap. You apologize and it seems to
be okay. But, you know this doesn't look good. The work
day ends without another incident. But, your spouse telephones
that he/she won't be able to pick up your daughter from soccer,
because he/she has to work late. And, that means you are in
charge of dinner tonight. So, you pick up your daughter and
decide to get fast food. But, then, you remember, your daughter
has recently become vegetarian and has a limited list of acceptable
food choices. So, you just drive home and decide you'll order
pizza. When you get home, your teenage son has once again left
his skateboard in the driveway. You stop the car and get out to
move the skateboard out of the way. Then, pull in to the
driveway. Your daughter reminds you that the only pizza place
that delivers is Pizza Hut and they use beef stock in their sauce, so,
it's a no go on pizza. That's it. You grab the skateboard,
run up to your son's room, and scream at your son for leaving his
skateboard in the driveway. Now, is your son supposed to think
you have an anger management problem? Or, is this an isolated
moment after a very stressful day and you are letting off steam with
someone you feel it is safe to explode on? Now, don't you hope
that your son won't react by screaming back? Don't you hope that
he'll just say, "Dude, bad day, huh?" Or, "Sorry,
I'll put it away. Is everything okay?"
Now,
say your teenage daughter dresses in her best dress and is prepared
for a presentation for her favorite class this afternoon at school.
She has worked very hard on it. She gets to school and after 2nd
period, she notices her's has started. So, she runs to the
bathroom and realizes she has no change. So, she goes to the
nurses office for the cheap sanitary napkin they hand out for free.
It will do, she supposes. So, she feels like it's going to be
okay. Her presentation isn't until after lunch. And, she
is really excited and nervous. There's a boy in that class she
likes very much. So, she has to do well. It's lunch time,
and, some kid gets pushed into her, tray of food and all. She is
covered in nasty sauces and condiments. She has no time to go
home and change. So, she goes to her locker and grabs her gym
clothes. They are a little smelly, but, definitely a better
option than wearing her ruined dress. The bell rings and she
runs to class, her favorite class, with the boy and all. So, she
shows up, but, she's a few minutes late. The door is locked.
And, she has to knock on the door. The teacher opens the door
and publicly chastises her for wearing the wrong clothes (there was a
dress requirement for the assigned presentation) and asks if she is
ready to go on. The boy she likes is laughing with another boy.
And, she is mortified. She gets through her presentation and
then has to take feedback from the class. The boy she likes
asks, "So, what happened to you?" She mentally crawls
into a whole. She leaves the classroom knowing she probably will
get a C for A work because of her apparent (but not actual) lack of
preparation. She goes to her locker and here's someone yell,
"Hey, ever heard of a tampon?" So, she grabs her pack
and coat and runs to the bathroom. The cheap pad provided by the
nurse didn't do the job. She's a mess. She ties her coat
around her waist and runs home. You, the parent, get a phone
call that she is truant and has skipped her last two courses for the
day. You get home and she is in her room, door shut, wearing
pajamas and listening to music. Now, are you first words,
"I got a call from school. What do you think you are doing
skipping classes?" If so, the response will likely be,
"Leave me alone! You wouldn't understand!" If
she reacts this way, is it unreasonable, all things considered?
Does she have an anger management problem? Or, is this an
isolated moment after a very stressful day and she just couldn't take
any more judgment or chastisement? If you were her, you'd
probably want to be addressed with respect. You'd want to hear,
"Are you okay? I heard you left school early. Is
there anything I can do?"
The
key is to understand that all of us, teens and adults, have very
stressful lives. Our lives are not isolated into the few moments
we see our families. We interact with a big and often cold and
cruel world. And, if your teen is being bullied, rejected by
those he/she admires, and/or experiencing any number of normal teen
experiences, he/she is likely going to have bad moods, bad days, and
occasionally, bad tempered outbursts. You probably do too.
Try to empathize with your children and see the world from their
perspective. You have the life experience that they don't.
Remember what being a teenager was like and give your teen some love,
understanding, and encouragement.
Asperger's/Autism: If your child has been diagnosed with Asperger's or Autism, please read: "Songs of the Gorilla Nation" by Dr. Dawn Prince-Hughes. Also, please visit: http://aspiesforfreedom.org/wiki/index.php?title=Autism_rights_movement and http://aspiesforfreedom.org/wiki/index.php?title=Parents_in_the_autism_rights_movement for additional and truly respectful and helpful information.
Blended Families: It's very important to involve your child(ren) in the process of finding a new love/spouse from the beginning. Your child should be informed from the first date that you are going on a date (not just going "out"). You should tell your child(ren) the name of the person you are going on a date with, how you met this person, and what you think/hope of your date(s). You should tell your child(ren) age appropriate details of your date(s) when you come home or as soon as possible. If things begin to get serious with the person you are dating, you should begin to do "family" outings including your child(ren). You should then ask your child(ren) what they think of your new love. Ask them to be completely honest and don't scold or shame them for not liking your new love. Listen to them. Your child(ren) might give you a reality check and expose a phony, fraud, or abuser before it is too late. Your children do want you to be happy and will accept your new love if they have been included in the process. In fact, your children may just insist you get married. If you do not or did not involve or include your children in the process of finding and committing to a new love, then you are going to have a great problem. Your child(ren) will feel that over the process they were excluded and became outsiders in your life. Your moving your new love in will only make them feel more isolated and will create a feeling that their home is no longer their home, but yours and your new love's home. They will feel like you and he/she can't wait for them to leave and that there is no place for them in your life anymore. This will require a lot of reassurance, love, and one-on-one attention between you and your child(ren) to make them feel a welcome and important part of your life. If your child is having trouble adjusting to the blended family life, see: http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/home_family/blended.html and/or consider finding a good and ethical family therapist through www.icspp.org.
Boundaries: The following link provides information to teens about people who may be a threat to them. We hope this does not include you. You can learn about appropriate behavior and how to respect the boundaries of your teen and help them learn about their own personal boundaries here: http://www.respect2all.org/downloads/tdva08/tdva08-Teen-Dating-Insert1.pdf The information on "friends" crossing boundaries applies to parents too.
Bullies: Here is a helpful guide to combating bullies at your child's school: http://www.bullyonline.org/schoolbully/tackle.htm Here is a helpful tip sheet for helping your child cope with being bullied at school: http://www.kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/problems/bullies.html
COMMUNICATION: Communication is the most important skill you need as a parent, and a human being. For the basics, visit: http://ag.udel.edu/extension/fam/FM/issue/communicationskills.htm If you are still having difficulty, consider taking a communication or parenting class. Usually, your local university, community center, or community college will have short classes that can help you develop the necessary skills. If that doesn't help, please visit: www.icspp.org and look for an ethical therapist in your area.
Cussing/Cursing: Language is just language and words are just words. If you, the parent(s), never use language considered obscene or offensive and you never allow television or motion picture or even radio shows in your home that contain obscene or offensive language, and, your child is using what are commonly called "curse" words, then there is a solution. Inform your child that while they are at home or in the company of family or respected persons that you prefer they not use obscene or offensive language. Remind them that they've never heard such language in the house or from their parents (you) and that it is not something you wish to have going on in the home. If you use obscene language or subject your family to offensive radio or television programs or motion pictures, don't be a hypocrite.
Death: While the following link is specific about loss of a loved one due to drunk driving, the tips to help with the grieving process are accurate and helpful: http://www.maddwashington.org/kitsap/madd-10.htm Also see: http://www.hospicenet.org/html/talking.html
Divorce: For some quick tips and resources regarding helping your child/teen successfully move through and beyond your divorce, visit: http://parentingteens.about.com/cs/divorceteens/a/divorceteens.htm
Drug Use/Abuse: First, it's important to determine whether or not your teen is experimenting with drugs/alcohol or has become addicted. Most teens experiment with drugs and alcohol and NEVER become addicted. If your child/teen is experimenting with drugs and alcohol, the best thing you can do is ask them about their experiences, reinforce safety tips (offer a ride home if they have been drinking/smoking--no questions asked), and discuss the actual (not fear-mongering) dangers of drug use and abuse. If they are using drugs to fit in or as an escape, then you need to step in and help them feel loved, understood, and accepted. Ask your teen what they are interested in (art, mechanics, music, acting, science, etc.) and look into getting them signed up for an after-school or weekend class or activity where they can meet friends who share their interests. This will re-direct them away from drug-using associates and give them direction for achieving their dreams. If they are addicted, there is really nothing you can do until they want to quit. Coercive treatments do not work. We suggest you read, "Toxic Psychiatry" and "Reclaiming Our Children" by Dr. Peter Breggin. We also recommend that if your teen or loved one is addicted to drugs or alcohol, you suggest they read "Diary of a Drug Fiend". It has helped many addicts turn from drugs to their true path to success and happiness.
Emotional/Mental Abuse: Please see http://ianrpubs.unl.edu/family/ec469.htm for information on how to identify verbal/emotional/mental abuse and where to go for help. If that doesn't help, please visit: www.icspp.org and look for an ethical therapist in your area.
Failing Grades: If your child is failing in school, please visit: http://www.school-for-champions.com/grades/avoid_failing.htm for help. Also, please note that major life changes (i.e. divorce, death, sexual/physical/verbal abuse, bullying/being bullied, etc.) often cause kids to shutdown in order to readjust. Be compassionate towards your children. They want to succeed and want you to be proud of them. If they aren't excelling, find out why and be patient, compassionate, loving, and understanding with your child(ren).
Homosexuality: Homosexuality is not illegal and is not a mental disease. If you are unable to accept your son or daughter's proclaimed sexuality, visit: www.pflag.org.
Independence: The 4-H Clubs have a great guide to the different developmental stages of children and teens. Visit: http://www.ces.purdue.edu/extmedia/NCR/NCR-292.html to see the natural and appropriate feelings of confusion, rebellion, and more surface during the teen years. Independence and responsibility are key ingredients for teens to become successful adults.
Jail: First, if your child has been arrested before, is arrested, or is likely to be arrested, they need a competent defense attorney that won't try to farm them out to an unregulated behavior modification facility. You and your child(ren) need to know your rights. For information on what to do in the event of an arrest, visit: http://www.tampabaydefense.com/what_to_do_if_arrested/index.html Make sure your attorney is an advocate for your child and that you are too!
Lipstick/Make-Up: Please visit: http://www.skinplistic.com/2007/04/10/tips-for-teens-age-appropriate-makeup/ for an article on age-appropriate make-up. Also, please see: http://www.clubmom.com/display/286152?start=30&mid=286152&aCatId=1350&questionId=331832 This is really a personal decision and one common to pre-teens and teens. Try to see what compromises can be made on this issue. Visit the links for help. And, allow your child(ren) to express themselves. If it is socially unacceptable, they'll figure it out very quickly. Warn them of any problems you foresee as a result and let it be their choice in the end.
Negative Reinforcement: This really comes down to the golden rule, "Do unto others as you'd have others do unto you." Certainly you have been on the receiving end of Negative Reinforcement before? A boss that never appreciates what you do well and always criticizes everything? Looks you over for raises and promotions? Well, how does it make you feel to be treated this way? Don't do it to your kids. For an article on what's wrong with Negative Reinforcement, visit: http://books.google.com/books?id=ZSaSce9FTc4C&pg=PA68&lpg=PA68&dq=negative+reinforcement +%22doesn+t%22+work&source=web&ots=ZbvF4-P5mT&sig=gtkzXdMQoXxjG4lpy00lgAyCuzs
Physical Abuse: Visit http://www.endabuse.org/resources/facts/ and http://www.endabuse.org/resources/gethelp/ for information and resources to help protect your children from domestic violence. Physical abuse can occur at school and be an act of an educator or a peer of your child. Understand that corporal punishment is detrimental to the well-being of your child and your family. See http://www.nospank.net/pt2007.htm for information on what constitutes abuse and how to protect your child.
Piercings: It all depends on the law. If your teenager is of legal age to get pierced without parental consent, there's nothing you can do except love them through this transition of personal exploration. If your child is not of legal age, give them your reasons against getting a piercing. Take them to a doctor or show them a website of infection and surgery caused by piercings done improperly or due to adverse reaction of the pierced person(s). Visit: http://www.kidshealth.org/teen/your_body/skin_stuff/body_piercing_safe.html for more information.
Positive Reinforcement: Positive reinforcement is a necessary tool for developing a healthy child with good self-esteem. For the basics, visit: http://www.brainy-child.com/article/positive-reinforcement.shtml
Rebellion: Biggest tip, don't infantilize your children. Teenagers naturally rebel in order to establish their independent adult selves. For more information, visit: http://www.ynhh.org/pediatrics/behavior/adolescent_rebellion.html
Religion: Read: http://books.google.com/books?id=w105wlWrCcYC&pg=PA18&lpg=PA18&dq=your+teen+is+questioning +religion&source=web&ots=3t4avRI8Fe&sig=bu11Az7Y0NNBzaG4wnKjLC0hIRg#PPA18,M1 and scroll up to page 17. Also, remember you are in the USA and your child has the same first amendment right to Free Practice of Religion, Freedom of Assembly, and Freedom of Association. If you want to persuade your child to stay in your chosen faith, do it with love and logic, not with fear and punishment. What would Moses, Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha, Krishna, or your Great-Grandmother do?
Respect: Read: http://books.google.com/books?id=w105wlWrCcYC&pg=PA18&lpg=PA18&dq=your+teen+ is+questioning+religion&source=web&ots=3t4avRI8Fe&sig=bu11Az7Y0NNBzaG4wnKjLC0hIRg#PPA18,M1 and scroll down to page 23. Respect is a two way street and children live what they learn and learn what they live. Respect your children and they will respect you.
Running Away: Often children run away because they don't feel wanted or they are being abused. If you want to prevent your child from running away, respect them, love them, and show them empathy and compassion. For more information, visit: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/77076/why_do_so_many_teenagers_run_away_from.html See the Quick Tips at the Top for ways to improve your family building skills.
Sexual Abuse: First, believe your child. If your son or daughter reports being sexually abused, molested, or raped, believe them. For more information and/or to get help, visit: http://www.prevent-abuse-now.com/stats.htm and if that doesn't help, please visit: www.icspp.org and look for an ethical therapist in your area.
Sexual Activity: First, you need to understand that it is normal and natural for your teenager to be having feelings and to be curious about sex. If your child has reached the age of consent for your state (i.e. WA--16 yrs. old) then the best thing you can do is give your advice, listen to your child, and help them be responsible no matter what choice they make. It's their right to make decisions that they are legally entitled to make. If your child has not reached the age of consent and you want to know about what sexual development is appropriate for their age group, visit: http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p=114&np=122&id=1648#2
Seclusion and Privacy: Respect your child's privacy. Understand that children (and adults) are overwhelmed and over-stimulated by all of the incoming information. If your child is smart enough to take some time to themselves, let them have it. For more information on the importance of privacy and how to respect your child, visit: http://teenagerstoday.com/resources/articles/privacyparenting.htm
Tattoos: It all depends on the law. If your teenager is of legal age to get tattooed without parental consent, there's nothing you can do except love them through this transition of personal exploration. If your child is not of legal age, give them your reasons against getting a tattoo. Take them to a doctor or show them a website of infection and surgery caused by tattoos done improperly or due to adverse reaction of the skin to the ink. Visit: http://www.kidshealth.org/teen/your_body/skin_stuff/body_piercing_safe.html for more information.
Trust: Visit: http://www.ncela.gwu.edu/pubs/flame/building.htm for information on the importance of trust in the parent/child relationship and some other helpful parenting tips.
Understanding: Visit: http://www.extension.umn.edu/info-u/families/BE927.html for helpful tips to understand your teenager. It's good to remember that teens are people too and experience much more than what you, as parents, are witness to. Handle with care, love, and understanding.
Validation: It's important that we, as parents, validate the thoughts and feelings of our children. For an explanation of validation and how to effectively practice this parenting skill, visit: http://eqi.org/valid.htm#Basic%20Steps%20to%20Validation
Values: It's difficult when our children do not share our values or question our values. See religion for more information and advice. Also, learn to celebrate diversity, visit: http://www.canadian-health-network.ca/servlet/ContentServer?cid=1070025027046&pagename=CHN-RCS%2FCHN Resource%2FCHNResourcePageTemplate&c=CHNResource
Work: Work is stressful for teens as well as adults. For information on managing stress, visit: http://familydoctor.org/online/famdocen/home/children/teens/prevention/278.html *Note:
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